Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My vagina just clenched in fear
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
