There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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