After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
