Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
