I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
