I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
