If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
