I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Pooping to opera.
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