Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
