Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
