Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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