hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
