Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
