I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
