Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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