I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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