Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
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I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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