it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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