And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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