I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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