My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
