can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
