i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
