If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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