Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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