So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
