i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
