Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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