the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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