I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Randomize
