just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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