OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We need a shit load of segways right now
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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