guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
