im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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