The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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