This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
