i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
