she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize