listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
