K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
