apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
