After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
