Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
