So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
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it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
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Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...