well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
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I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
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I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am