In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
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I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
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Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?