Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
