That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.