That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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