His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
