i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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