he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
