i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I didn't notice because vodka
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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