feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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