Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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