i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
