You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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