When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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