I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
