I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
